Cursed!

So I've had a little bad luck this summer....okay, so not a little bad luck, a lot of bad luck.  Here is a run down own how I've been spending my summer:

It all started with a trip to urgent care.  It was just a normal day at work....or so I thought.  The weather here in the Midwest has been pretty hot and humid.  This day was right at the beginning of a string of many humid days.  While I was at work, I noticed I was getting really hot and sweaty.  Normally, I'm as cool as a cucumber at work, but not today.  I started to sweat through my clothes.  I began to see stars and I knew I was going down.  I made it across the hall to a co-worker, but that was about it.  And then I fainted.  My quick thinking co-worker had me sit down and she moved my hair off my neck to help me cool down.  She then insisted I go to urgent care.  I was still a little woozy, so I didn't really fight back.  Basically my blood pressure had dropped down to 65/50.  They said that all the volumes in my body were just off enough that day to make me faint.  I rested at urgent care and drank some Gatorade before they sent me on my way.

The bad luck continued a few days later when I went to the dentist.  When I was in 8th grade, I cracked a tooth.  My dentist put a "hanging basket" filling in to fix up the crack.  About 17 years later, it was time to put a crown on that tooth....to the tune of $900.  Thanks to insurance, I only have to pay about $200.  However, that's $200 I could have spent on something else.

They say bad things happen in 3's, so you know there has to be something else to try to spoil my summer.  On the 4th of July, I woke up early to do a little yard work.  I had a party to go to later in the evening and then it would be off to the fireworks, but first, I'd do a little work in the yard.  I was putting in some black edging around the rocks in my yard.  Just as I went to drive the last stake into the edging, I thought to myself, "I'm a little close to that sprinkler head.  I should check where the line in."  I pulled the stake out of the ground and it was like I had shaken up a can of pop and sprayed it everywhere.  I hit the water line.  However, I knew exactly what to do because last Memorial Day, I did the same thing.  I know, I know, yard work on holiday weekends should be something I avoid.  $80 later, the line is fixed and my edging is put in.

Now that I've had my third piece of bad luck, I should go on living the rest of the summer scott free...not true.  Two days later, I'm driving to get fitted for a dress for a wedding I'm in.  A rock catches the tire on the car in front of me and pops up onto my windshield.  CRACK! straight across the center of my window.  I immediately start crying.  Lucky for me (haha, lucky), my college roommate Cricket, her brother fixes windshields.  So he was able to help me out.  Thanks to insurance, I didn't have to pay for the new windshield.

You might be thinking, what else can happen to this girl? Death?  Well, that's pretty much a possibility.  If you have never heard of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, look it up.  There is a 30% chance of mortality if RMSF goes undetected.  So how do you get RMSF?  Ticks, that's how.  I got bit by a tick on a trip to Indiana.  The worse part is, the tick was on me for almost 5 days and I didn't know it.  I believe I got bit on Thursday and I didn't notice it until Monday.  And when I did notice it, I thought it was a new mole.  Haha.  How stupid of me!  I finally had a co-worker look at it.  These were her exact words, "I don't want to scare you, but it's not a mole.  I don't want to freak you out, but it has legs."  I freaked out and felt all itchy.  I knew I had to get this thing removed, but I had a dentist appointment to get the final crown put on.  So I went to the dentist with a tick on my back and then it was off to urgent care....again.  They removed the tick and told me it was a Lone Star tick and it could carry RMSF.  So they had to put me on antibiotics.  Now I have to avoid the sun and liquor for 14 days!  Two weeks of the summer ruined by a tick.

Here is a picture of the Lone Star tick.  The one on the right is a male and the one on the left is a female.  My tick was a female.  Now, I want you to know that these are zoomed in quite a bit.  You might be wondering how I didn't realize I had a bug sucking my blood and living off of me.  However, the tick attached itself to the small of my back.  A hard spot to see in the mirror. 

I'm hoping my bad luck has competed its run for the summer....I'm headed to Las Vegas in less than two weeks, so I'm hoping my luck will change for the better and I'll hit it big.

Hairless

Okay, so I decided to start laser hair removal treatments.  Sweet, huh?  The cost is not so sweet.  I'm sure I'll be very very VERY happy with it when the treatments are all completed, but I'm a little overwhelmed with the cost right now.  So here is how this whole thing got started:

I hate shaving my legs.  I love the smooth feeling of a freshly shaved leg, but I hate the actual shaving.  And the razor burn and ingrown hairs make it even worse.  So I started to do a little research on laser hair removal.  To remove all the hair from your leg (yes, that is singular) costs up to $1,800.  (It all depends on how thick and coarse your hair is.)  So after my research, I thought that I could start saving up and I would start with my bikini line.  A day or two later, it was as if God really wanted me to go hairless because a Groupon e-mail came across with 89% off laser hair removal treatments at a very expensive salon.  Basically giving you 6 treatments for $99.  Amazing.

If you have never heard of Groupon before, it is pretty much an e-mail that gives you a discount on select items.  I have friends that swear by it, so I recently checked it out.  Now I get daily e-mails with deals.  Although the laser hair removal is the only thing I have bought, there are some pretty good deals out there.

Because so many people bought the Groupon deal, when I called to make my appointment, there were pretty booked up.  So today was my first appointment.  The salon was beautiful and very relaxing....even though I was about to take my pants off for some strange lady.  I just tried to think of them like doctors.  So Patti took me back to the treatment room and had my sign a waiver.  It basically said that there are some risks and the removal might not even work, but I'm agreeing to go through with the 6 treatments.

So you might be thinking, why are you so stressed about the cost?  $99 sounds like a pretty good deal.  But there's always a catch.  The actual bikini line is only about 1 inch wide and 3 inches long.  That's it.  So if she only removed the hair from that area, I would still have to shave around it.  It would totally defeat the purpose of getting the laser hair treatment.  So for $350 more, you can get the "Brazilian" treatment.  This removes the hair from a few more of the unsightly areas.  Well, if one leg can be up to $1,800, $350 is still one Hell of a deal.  But wait, there's more!  For people with thick or coarse hair, 6 treatments won't be enough, soooooo you can pay $99 more for unlimited treatments for a year, however, you can only go in for treatment once every 6 weeks.  Now you are looking at $450. 

Did I go for the upgrade?  Of course!  I felt like this was a pretty good deal and it is something that I have wanted for a while.  Plus I won't have to buy the creams and such for dealing with shaving my bikini line anymore.

So now I'm sure you want to know what the actual treatment was like.  It was so strange.  I laid on a table while a woman (wearing scrubs, mind you) put a ton of gel on my crotch and then she ran a laser over all the areas where she put the gel.  For the most part, I couldn't feel the laser, but every once in a while, there was a "hot spot."  This is where I felt a little heat and sting.  Other than that, nothing.

For my friends that know me well, they know I have an issue with getting dirty or messy.  I am not like Howie Mandel with my OCD, but I do have my own problems.  Well, the amount of gel that covered my crotch definitely feel into my "uncomfortable" OCD range.  After she was done with the laser, I had to wipe all this gel off myself with baby wipes. (Yes, she was still in the room with me as I tried to wipes this gel off...awkward.)  When I got home I had to change my pants and underwear right away.  I couldn't stand the thought of the gel.  I wanted to take a shower, but I was worried I would wash off the aloe you have to put on your lasered area.  The lady doing the treatment told me it is like having a burn, so you have to treat it with aloe. 

My next appointment is July 11th and no, I won't be posting any before and after pictures.

It's Been Way too Long!

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  A friend of mine posted this on her facebook status the other day and once I looked at it I knew I had to share it with all of you.  Most of my youth was spent in the 80's and 90's...during that time, a book series came along that changed my life.  The Babysitter's Club.  Not only did I read the books, but I thought about starting my own club.  Although I never actually did that, I know my skills as a babysitter were better because of the things I learned in these books.  Okay, so not really.  It was just a fun realistic fiction series that I enjoyed reading. 

So for all of you that loved Kristy, Claudia, Dawn, Mary Ann, Stacey, Jessi, Mallory, Logan, and yes, even associate memeber Shannon, here is the link that I hope it makes up for me being away for so long!

Love, Your Friend

Check out where the Babysitter's Club members are now!
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/55268545.html

Snow Day!

I'm pretty lucky to have a profession that gives snow days when the weather is so bad.  And if you live anywhere near the Northeast or the Midwest, you may have had a snow day too.  Almost all schools and many businesses (even Old Country Buffet!) are closed today. 

I just came in from shoveling my driveway and I have never experienced anything like that before.  I went to college in the U.P. of  Michigan and we got a tons of snow up there, but this was an abundance of snow in a period of 24 hours.  After shoveling a track, only wide enough for my car to fit through, I decided I needed a little reward for all my hard work.  I looked in my liquor cabinet, but since I don't like to drink alone, I decided to make this tasty treat:

I'm hoping for another snow day tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Junkie Love

Every winter I join our library's adult reading program.  Basically you read books and you can win prizes.  That doesn't sound bad to me.  I even won a gift card and a snow scraper one year.  I know, you're probably jealous, but check your local library, you might have something like this and who knows, maybe you can win a snow scraper too.

 

One of the books I read last winter was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I know many people have read the book (or have seen the movie), but I have to say, I found this book rather boring.  I skipped many of the longer parts where she whines about not being able to focus on prayer.  So why am I posting this you ask?  Well, this book actually produced one of my favorite quotes and after hearing from Stupid Boy the other day, I needed to go back and look at this quote to remind myself how he me feel.  I think this quote sums it up perfectly.

 

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.  So that's it. You have now reach infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self." pg. 21.

Stupid Boy

This past Friday I was really looking forward to a relaxing evening at home.  I even turned down plans with three different friends just to be home for the night with no responsibilities.  I had some delicious leftover chili for dinner and then decided to watch a movie that I had been saving on DVR for a raining day.  Although it wasn't raining, it was a great night to watch a movie.  Halfway through the movie I get a text message, hoping it was from the guy I met a week ago, I check my phone and there across the screen it says Stupid Boy. UGH!

Stupid Boy was a guy that I was "seeing" on and off for about a year.  It was a very toxic relationship and I decided that I needed a clean break.  We talked, I cried, he didn't get it, but it ended with us deleting each other's numbers from our phones.  The point being no contact, unless it was a work related issue...yes, we work together.  Over time, it got easier and somehow we put each other's numbers back into our phones.  From time to time, he would come help me with house issues, but we still had limited contact.  Needless to say, I was surprised when he text me.

I could directly quote everything from the conversation, but it would be pretty boring, so I will take some liberties in paraphrasing some things to keep your interest.

His opening text said, "Is our colleague single?"  I knew exactly who he was talking about, but I played dumb.  He had always made very sexual comments about a co-worker that I work very closely with.  I know this should have been a sign that I should have ditched him at that point and time, but that's a story for another day.  Our banter back and forth was pretty much me saying, "She is not interested in you."  And him saying, "Why don't you want me to see anyone else?"  He then used phrases like, "Are you making me out to be a creepster?" and "I just want to be friends and get a drink with her."  Really?!?  After how poorly he treated me, I would want to set him up with a friend of mine?  No way.  But he didn't understand that.  He thinks he is a prince and God's gift to women.  To that I say, Thanks for nothing God....he is more of a toad than a prince.

Well, this whole time that he and I are texting, I also text this co-worker.  She said she saw him and then said, "He has gained so much weight, I almost didn't recognize him," "He is a hog." and she also said that his ex (who is not so good looking) dropped his kids off at the bar, during happy hour, as he was working on his 3rd beer.  Father of the Year material. 

He continued to pester me about her for over 2 hours.  (Now, you might be thinking, why didn't I just stop texting him?  I was using this as a dramatic distraction from this new guy not texting me.  I am NEVER going to get caught up with Stupid Boy again.  I learned so much about myself from him and although the experience sucked while I was going through it, I am glad it happened...sort of.)  Basically things ended with him begging me to send her his phone number (And I'm guessing with a note that says, "Stupid Boy likes you.  Do you like him?  Circle yes or no.).  So I text her his phone number, and then told him I did.  I had said to him to remember this favor I'm doing for him.  He responds, "I've done you 'favors' before."  I am too nice because I wanted to say, "Like the last 'favor' you did for me the last time we had sex and I didn't get off...yeah I remember that one."  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all....so I didn't respond.  He couldn't leave it alone and came back with, "Well...."  All I could think of was, "Thanks, you're a wonderful person."  He got my drift.  That's pretty much how it ended.

He is such a manipulator.  He knows it bothered me when he would make comments about her, so of course he had to text me to ask about her now that she is single (her divorce is final on Tuesday).  He could have simply gone to our staff directory and look up her number.  But he wanted to draw my attention to the situation.  I'm glad I am so much stronger now and although it really bothered me in the first instant he text, now I find it funny and I feel I had some great comebacks to some of his stupid questions...you Stupid Boy.

Meow!

Knowing that I will someday be an "older" single woman with several cats, I find this video quite humorous.  This only adds to the fact that I am destined to be a "Cat Lady".

Preoccupied

I haven't posted in a while.  Sorry.  But I guess you can say that I have been doing some "research" for the blog.  Yes, I went out on another online date.  I wish that I had something exciting to write or say something funny that has happened, but it hasn't.  In fact, I can't even think of a nickname for this guy....does that mean using Taylor's theory about how she can tell whether or not I really like a guy by the fact that I give him a nickname is true?  Because I think I kind of like him...

Here are the stats:  He works for some sort of insurance benefits type company.  He is 29 years old.  He likes wine, golf, and sushi.  He moved here about 7 months ago to start this new job and to get away from the girl he was engaged to and living with after she broke off the engagement 6 months before the wedding.  Hmmmm, everything sounds great except for the last one.

I asked him what he was looking for in this online dating experience.  He said he hasn't had a chance to meet a lot of people since he has lived here because he has been working so much.  And after hearing successful stories from friends about meeting people online he thought he would give it a try.  I'm the first girl that he has ever gone out with that he has met online and oh yeah, the first girl he has gone out with since the end of the engagement.  There again are two things that don't sound so great to me.

However, I feel like we did hit it off and he seems like a really nice guy.  We have hung out again and to the horror of my friend Cricket, I invited him to my house.  (She thinks he is going to murder me.)  Our plans to go to a local winery were spoiled by bad weather, so we decided to just watch a movie at my house.  We had a very nice time.  I was supposed to have a work party that night, but it was canceled due to weather and he had made plans with his dad for the evening, so he left at about 6:30.

I tell you what, I must have huge abandonment issues because as soon as he left I felt like I was never going to see him again. It was a huge “woe is me” moment.  I previously have dated a guy named Stupid Boy and I believe that he has ruined me.  When Stupid Boy would leave, I never knew when he was coming back and I think this fear has stuck with me.  I had a sinking feeling that this new “relationship” was going to end just like the one with Stupid Boy.

Why am I so insecure about things?  Why can’t I just relax and let what happens happen?  Why do I need to get so stressed about a guy I have only been on 2 dates with?  All questions that I wish I could answer so I knew how to fix myself.

I hope to have more positive posts in the future about this guy……

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I have been matched up with some pretty interesting characters in the time that I have been testing the waters of online dating.  And the longer I'm on there, the more interesting those characters get.  But I'd like to give some advice to any man that is creating his profile for an online dating site.  Many of my ideas for the do's and don’ts of the profile have come from actual profiles that I have viewed.  So on this one, please take my advice!

1.      Do not post a photo of your cats and put a caption like "Mr. Bojangles and Murphy relaxing on the couch."  Please post a photo of you, not your animals.

2.      When asked what is the last book you read, putting a comment like, "I don't read much." is only going to make you sound uneducated and dumb.

3.      You probably don't want to mention any ex-girlfriends, let's just say it projects the idea that you aren't quite over your ex yet.

4.      Mentioning different things that you are into in the bedroom makes you sound a bit sex-crazed.

5.      CHECK YOUR SPELLING!  I admit, I am a horrible speller, but with this new thing called spell check makes it very easy.  Multiple misspellings don't make a great first impression.

6.      Find a friend to take your picture...don't pose in front of the bathroom mirror, with or without a shirt, to take a picture with your camera phone.

7.      Please don't list the things you are looking for...this isn't an advertisement for a Russian bride.

I know I'm not perfect, and my profile may be what is attracting these "gems,” but I promise I have followed all of the guidelines I outlined on this page.

 Feel free to comment if you have any more do’s and don’ts to add to the list.

Stop! In the Name of Love....

I was once almost hit by a car on a blind date.  Like, literally the car was coming at me and all I could think of to say was, "Do you realize you are running a stop sign?" as the vehicle kept coming toward me.  Needless to say, the only thing that was bruised was my ego.

As I said before, I give the guys I date nicknames, but for some reason this guy doesn't have a nickname.  Taylor says that's how she knows I really like a guy because I don't give them a nickname.  So this guy doesn't have a nickname, and I truly do like him, so I can't even think up a name that would suit him, so I'll just go with the initial K.

K and I met online.  I had to give him a "nudge," which in online dating speak, means, "I've been waiting 7 days and I haven't heard from you....write back, I'm interested."  After I nudged K, he finally sent a response to my first round of questions.  In his answers to those questions, he included his e-mail saying his subscription was almost up and I could just send him an e-mail to his home account.  A pretty ballsy move for an online dater.  I took the bait and e-mailed him.  We wrote back and forth with those "getting to know you e-mails" and then I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner.

We met the local Chili's.  K got there first and I text him as I arrived.  He said he would wait inside the doors for me.  It was raining, so of course, I was wearing a hot pink rain coat.  What do you expect?  I used to be a camp counselor.  There was a stop sign in the parking lot which I have seen a lot of people run before.  I was making a dash for the door, not only because I was nervous, but it was raining.  As I crossed the parking lot at the stop sign, the van approaching didn't seem to see me or the stop sign.  They were headed straight for me.  I pointed to the stop sign and screamed, "DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE RUNNING A STOP SIGN?"  Suddenly the passenger of the car alerted the driver and he slammed on his breaks just as the van gently bumps my legs. 

K comes running out of Chili's (he is wearing a matching North Face blue raincoat to my hot pink one) and is asking me if I am okay.  My heart is pounding as I look towards him and now all I can say is, "We have matching raincoats."  Instantly, I feel stupid.  I'm talking really fast and I'm not sure what I am even blabbing on about.  We get seated, have dinner, and everything goes smoothly from there.  When we are done eating, he escorts me to my car (so I don't get hit by a car again) and I head home.

Wouldn't that be a great story to tell our children about what happened on our first date?  Alas, K and I hung out a few more times and then he sent me the dreaded text message that said, "I'm not ready for a new relationship."  Yes, Friends, that is text dumping #2!  Let's just say, the moment I received that message, I was visiting my friend Kylie in Missouri and we had spent most of the day at wineries.  And after all day wine drinking and getting text dumped, my eyes wouldn't stop crying.

And I'll admit it, I do think about K from time to time.  I even e-mail him every now and then....just to see how he is doing and secretly hoping that he will want me back.  But until that day comes, I will keep dating.......and blogging.  You're welcome.

Typical elementary school students

Student A: "You smell like beef jerky!"
Student B: "Ewwww!"
Student A: "Dude, I love beef jerky."
Student C: "Who doesn't love beef jerky?"
Teacher: "Friends, please stop talking so we can go to lunch."
Student A: "I hope we're having beef jerky."
Teacher: "Again, friends, we can't head to lunch until it is quiet."
Student A (in a loud whisper): "Beeeeeef jerrrrrkkkkkyyyyy."

Timmmmmmber!

I wasn't planning on posting about this guy so soon, but what do you know, he e-mailed me today, so I figured that meant it was a sign that I should write about him.  The subject of his e-mail was “Just checking in”.  Just checking in on what?  You text dumped me over 9 months ago and the last time I saw you, you creepily stalked me at the bar.  I don’t need or want you to check in on me.

 So, here’s the story:  My friend Rex and I tend to try to introduce each other to people we think the other one might hit it off with, so when he text me that he had "the perfect guy" to introduce me to; I thought, why not.  However, this meant that I had to bring a friend for him too, so I enlisted the help of my friend Taylor.  She's always up for a good time, but she was in a serious relationship; however, I knew that she would be a good decoy.  Long story short, Rex introduced me to his friend Lumberjack.  (As I said before, I often use nicknames to describe guys, mostly because it makes it easier for Taylor...for example, if I use a guy's real name, she will say, "Which one is that again?" and I'll say something like, "The one that dressed like a lumberjack when he came to the bar in July" and then she'll know exactly who I was talking about.  But if I just say Lumberjack from the beginning, it cuts down on wasted time.)

 Anyway, Lumberjack and I, with the help of alcohol, starting hanging out.  I'll spare you the boring details and cut right to the good part...the ending.  Lumberjack worked 2nd shift, so we didn't see each other much during the week, but he decided one Wednesday night that he was going to call in sick.  He went out for drinks with his buddies and then was going to come stay at my house that night.  What a nice surprise.  The next day, Lumberjack sends me a text message saying he was really sorry, but he wasn't ready for a new relationship and he would send me an e-mail explaining why.  Blah, blah, blah, it doesn’t really matter what it said in the e-mail because I really wasn’t that into him anyway.  Sure, it hurts to get dumped, especially over text message, but it was more the idea that of being rejected by someone that stung in this case.

Okay, so you’re thinking, what’s the point of this post?  Where’s the good part of the story?  Well, Lumberjack decided that on New Year’s Day, he was going to post a note on Facebook giving his thoughts on 2010.  He shared all his stupid opinions about sports and politics and crap no one really cares about.  But then it came to the part where he recapped love and relationships from the year.  Apparently, I make an appearance as relationship #2.  He talks about how the first girl totally broke his heart, so he moved on to girl #2 as a rebound.  He talked about how he acted like an asshole, came in, took what he wanted and left.  He also hopes that this girl will forgive him someday.  I guess you could call him an asshole if assholes:  bring you roses, take you out to dinner, mow your lawn, give you massages without asking for one in return, or sending e-mails like this, “I’m thinking I pick you up around 6 for dinner, catch the movie around 8 o’clock go back your house between 10-10:30, wine-1045, massage around 11:15, kissing around 11:45pm then You'll have to take it from there :)   PS, there will be kissing in between everything throughout the night as well, kissing is something you can't schedule in...you just do it ;)”….doesn’t sound like any of the assholes I know.  But fine, whatever, Lumberjack you’re an asshole, if you say so.

Now what to do with this current e-mail from Lumberjack….as of right now, I am choosing not to respond.  So not worth it.  But I’ll keep you posted…

"Studies show that if you're a lady, most men want to kill you."

I love Saturday Night Live.  (However, I tend to DVR it and watch it on Sunday morning, but only because I am probably out all night partying....not in bed asleep by 10:30, halfway through the second episode of 48 Hours Mystery.)  Anyway, there is a skit that aired a few seasons ago that reminds me of my life.

Last December I moved into my first house.  But when I purchased this house, I wasn't looking for a starter home.  I wanted my "Forever House."  So I moved into a 2200 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath house with a finished basement.  That way, when Mr. Right comes along, he can just move in with me...How lucky for him. 

But living alone has its share of problems.  And don't worry; I'll share the struggles of homeownership with you down the road.  But for now, I'm not interested in getting a roommate, so until Mr. Right moves in, I'm living in constant fear.  That fear comes from every creak, every noise, every sound my house makes, I am constantly afraid that someone is breaking into my house.  When I saw this skit on SNL, I thought, finally, someone who understands what it is like to be a single woman living alone in a large, five person house.

Here is the link, if you want to watch it:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/134720/saturday-night-live-broadview-security

And if you are like my mom and you can't figure out how to click on the link to go to the website or you are like my dad and you have such extreme security on your computer that you can't open another page because everything has a pop-up block, please feel free to read the transcript I found on NBC's website:

[ open on a group of people leaving a single woman's house party ]

Voice: See ya'!

Single Woman: Hey! Thanks again for dropping by my party, A.J.

A.J.: [ awkwardly ] Well... you have my e-mail -- uh, if you want to send me that lemon bar recipe.

Single Woman: Cool. See ya', A.J.

A.J.: Alright, bye.

Single Woman: Bye!

[ she closes her front door, turns on the alarm, and begins to pick up after the party ]

[ suddenly, the door handle jiggles and A.J. comes bursting through the door ]

[ the alarm goes off, as the woman screams ]

[ A.J. flees the scene, as the phone rings ]

Single Woman: Hello?!

Operator: This is Broadview Security. Is everything okay?

Single Woman: A nice guy who was at my party left, and then he broke in, like, twenty seconds later.

Operator: We're on our way.

[ Spokesman steps in front of the camera ]

Spokesman: Are you a single woman who lives alone in a large, five-person house? Then you need Broadview Security.

[ show chart ]

Spokesman V/O: Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.

[ show computerized demonstration ]

Spokesman V/O: And with Broadview Security, you can have an alarm that makes loud noises, which will make those men run away through the bushes. At the same time, one of our male security professionals in a button-down shirt will be alerted immediately.

Operator: Don't worry, Ma'am -- help is on the way.

Spokesman: And she'll need it. Because, like most women, she's under the threat of constant home invasion, from EVERYONE she meets.

[ cut to single woman kissing her grandfather good night ]

Single Woman: Thanks again, Grandpa! I love these Sundays together.

[ cut to Grandpa bursting through the door, as the woman screams ]

Spokesman: It could happen. And so could any of these terrifying scenarios where men kick down your door. Men like:

Your rabbi!

[ the rabbi bursts through the door ]

k.d. Lang!

[ k.d. Lang bursts through the door ]

Or two boys dressed as a man!

[ two boys dressed like a man burst through the door ]

Spokesman: Luckily, none of these things will ever happen -- if you get Broadview Security.

[ the spokesman bursts through the door ]

Spokesman: Get it, or get murdered!

[ fade ]

Men in Tights

Recently, while I was home for Christmas, more than one member of my family had a discussion with my sister about why I am still single.  My cousin was confused about why I am not dating anyone.  She used words like, "great personality," "funny," and "athletic." to describe me.  She figures I am a good catch because I'm "employed" and a "home-owner."  All great qualities to possess.

My sister then brought this conversation up with my dad.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart.  They mean well and they care a lot about me.  However, my dad did have a reason why he thinks I'm not dating anyone.  After he described me as looking much more "trim" this Christmas than in past years, he said that it could possibly the smell of my perfume that is turning men away.  (Time out to fill you in on my dad...he is 68 years old and he plays flight simulation video games on his computer....just the kind of guy I am trying to attract with my scent.)  But really, the smell of my perfume is repelling men?  Come on, Dad!

Well, there is one clear reason why I am still single...Men in Tights.  Okay, maybe not so clear...let me explain.

I have dabbled on and off with online dating.  Please, don't judge me yet!  Many of the stories I will share on this blog come from online dating and after you read them, you will see more and more why I am still single, but this one is a doozy.  The website that I have used, matches you with men and then once you view their profile, you can either close the match or send them a series of questions to "get to know them better."  I tend to send these questions to a few guys a week, but hardly any of them respond.  A few guys a week try to open the lines of communication with me.  Enter Fred.

Fred is a 33 year old Taco Bell shift manager.  Okay, so he has a job.  People would describe him as quiet, easy going, dependable, and caring.  Again, no problems there.  Things he can't live without are family, friends, laptop, tights, and food.  Ummm, tights?  Some additional information that he would like you to know:  "I enjoy wearing tights and love the feeling and the way my legs look in them. I enjoy see others wearing them also."  So, you must be thinking this is some kind of joke, but he has 7 pictures posted and in FIVE of those seven pictures is an overweight man wearing tights with shorts.  One caption says, "Just relaxing in my tights" or "Me at a hotel in my gray tights" or "Me at my old job in black tights".

Dad, it has nothing to do with my perfume.

(But just to be safe, I had more than one friend check my perfume; they said it was just fine.)

Why Start a Blog?

So you may be wondering why I would want to start a blog....or even think that anyone would want to read my blog.  But people have been telling me for years that I should share my stories on a blog.  So here it is.  I'm sure all my friends and family will be clogging up the information super highway just to read a collection of stories that they have already heard...actually scratch that; most members of my family and my friends won't even know that this blog even exists.  First, I just don't see many of them as blog readers.  And second, I'm planning on keeping it completely anonymous.  I would hate to embarrass anyone that I am writing about or Hell, I would hate to embarrass myself for that matter.  So I promise as I write, I will do my best to keep this blog 100% true, except the names of the people I am writing about.  In fact, I use many of these nicknames for the guys that have made an appearance in my life all the time.  It makes it easier to talk about them in public and also easier for my friends to keep them straight.

One of my goals for 2011 was to start a blog (I'll fill you in on my other goals for 2011 as this blog continues....), but I'm pretty impressed that I have accomplished this goal on January 3.  And even if I don't post anymore entries, I feel like I can check this one off my list....